I mentioned it in a previous post, but at the time, I did not want to say what actually happened. Why? Because I was embarrassed. It seemed like such a simple thing that happened. It was shocking to realize how this could affect me do dramatically for over 40 years, but it did.
Today, I decided to share this to help you understand how past situations can affect us for so long, until we take the time to look at what happened and how it affects us and do something about it to make a change.
I deal with these things using Emotional Realignment. I’ll walk you through my personal session this week to give you an idea how this works.
I start with the current situation, which was my reluctance to come out of the closet as an intuitive and mentor and start to use my gifts to help other people like me who want to move fully into living a life on purpose – which for me means doing this work.
Then I use my lists of words to help identify the root of what is going on. I use muscle testing using my fingers to identify the words that represent the issue, but using a pendulum or other intuitive tool works as well. There are then steps I go through…
1. Identify the main fears – myself and being unclear. Then I use these words and define what I am afraid of – “I’m afraid of being unclear, of not having clear guidance about what to do. I’m afraid to trust myself to know and do the right thing”
2. Identify the main feelings – judged and unloved. “I judge myself. I don’t feel confident or capable. I don’t love myself as I am. I want to be different so others will accept me.”
3. Identify the reaction I have when these fears and feelings get triggered. – seek revenge on myself and feel responsible. “I put myself down. I feel responsible for anything that doesn’t work out well. I feel responsible to get it right so other people are happy.”
4. Identify the result of this reaction – unaware and overwhelm. “I am not aware that my work is helping others and is important because I only take in the negative comments not the compliments. When I take on responsibility for how others react to my work, I feel overwhelmed and give up.
5. The next step is to take all of this information and identify the belief that you have about yourself and your life related to this type of situation. – “I’m not really capable for having a successful business. I’m not good enough to do this work and it’s too risky.
6. Then identify what it is that you really want – passion and trust – “I want to feel passionate about all of the work I’m planning to do and trust that I do have all of the gifts, skills and abilities to be very successful.”
7. Identify what is blocking you from having what you desire – your favorite excuse – insecurity and will – “I’m not confident and don’t feel capable. I am not yet committed fully to doing this work.”
8. Identify a significant event in your life where you learned this belief and pattern of response. – Here’s how it happened for me.
In grade five art class, we each passed a sheet of paper around the room and every student put a line on each other’s paper. When it came back to me it was a page filled with lines that made shapes. Our task was then to fill in each shape to make our piece of art.
Until that time, I had been a very creative girl who was confident in my artistic skills. This was one area of my life where I felt capable – until that day.
I was filling in my shapes using a variety of patterns like hearts, circles, squares and the like. In one of the shapes I made up a new design that looked like an x with added lines. What I did not know at the time is that this is called a swastika, the symbol that the Nazi’s used. I had never heard of this before.
My teacher saw this and got really angry and started to yell at me and say a whole lot of unkind things about me. And, the worst part was that the little boy that I had a crush on started to talk about his Dad and the horrors of the war.
I really did not understand what horrible crime I had committed by being creative. I just got the message that I did something terribly wrong and that I was a terrible person. I started to cry and could not stop.
To put this in perspective – I was a very shy, frightened little girl who coped with school by doing everything that the teachers expected to avoid getting into any kind of trouble. I aimed for perfection in everything I did so that I would be accepted by others and feel safe. I can only recall one other incident in primary school where I got into trouble because of something I did. I was really careful to behave properly.
And, I come from a family where being openly emotional is not accepted. It was a shameful thing to do something as awful as cry in public, especially in front of my peers. I did what I could to be liked and crying in front of the class was not acceptable.
I don’t remember much of what happened after this incident when I started to cry and felt soooooooooo ashamed of myself. I have the gift of dissociation, and I blocked out the rest of the story.
Apparently I was kept home from school for many days because I could not get my emotions under control and I was terrified to go back to school and really ashamed of being so bad.
9. The next step is to work with the kid part of you that was traumatized and have her describe her experience, what she learned from this and what she needed at the time. – I learned that being creative was not safe. To be safe, I needed to always know exactly what was expected from me all of the time so that I could behave how I was expected to behave. If I did anything that other people disapproved of, like making a mistake or crying in public, it was a shameful thing which proved I was a terrible person, just like the teacher told me I was.
There is both a written and a guided imagery process to heal the kid part of you that learned to believe an untruth and start to unconsciously repeat a set survival pattern to cope with similar situations.
10. Identify how your current situation is in any way similar to this past event. Then use a written process to understand how the pattern that gets triggered is being repeated right now.
For me, it was a matter of not being confident in trying something new where I do not know what other people expect from me. I’m afraid to make a mistake and get into trouble. I feel responsible when someone else gets upset and believe that it’s my fault. I get so overwhelmed by the feeling and fear, that I just quit trying to avoid feeling bad.
This pattern has ruled my life for so long and by having this understanding of where it came from and how it was effecting me, I now can do something about it and move on.
The final step is to refocus on what you really want, what excuses you are using for not having that and set up an action plan to move you out of the pattern and into a new way of being.
This was my plan
1. Go ahead and set up my website and start working with people even if I feel unsure and afraid – by taking action and proving that nothing terrible will happen, the fear goes away.
2. To value my time and expertise and not judge my work to be inferior because it’s not.
3. To be conscious of the feelings that come up and the excuses that I make to keep me stuck.
4. To do more frequent blog posts, start my newsletter and commit to doing this work – no excuses.
5. To accept the positive feedback I get and not feel responsible for how other people choose to feel or think about my work
A single incident at school set the stage for this lifetime of being afraid. Going through this process has given me the understanding, courage and action plan to move into my new life.
That is the power of Emotional Realignment and why I believe so strongly in the value of this work.