I posted a message the other day about my challenge with coming to terms with some information my doctor gave me. I realize I left you hanging and some of you were concerned that I was not okay. I am.
I am okay and nothing has changed except for the fact that I have finally accepted that along with dealing with depression, that I do ocassionally experience periods of being high. I have been receiving treatment for bipolar disorder for many years and until last week, I would NOT accept that this was happening to me.
For some reason I was able to talk about depression, but not about the times I get really energized and excited or irritable and argumentative, the shopping sprees or doing things that I later regret. I don’t get as sick as some people do in this phase, but I certainly have been swinging between highs and lows for many years. I would just never admit it, even to myself.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why I would deny this reality and why I felt so ashamed to tell others about this and today I understood why I was doing this. I call it stigma – thinking poorly of people who are experiencing certain conditions.
For me depression had become acceptable, but not the highs, the hypomanic episodes that I always believed was just bad behavior and not a medical condition. I had judged these experiences as just being irresponsible. Truth is, I do not want to accept this reality. I’d rather pretend it’s not part of my life, mostly because I was afraid.
With acceptance, many things have happened. I finally understand what has been happening to me over the years, why there are times I can be well and get on with my life, why there are times when I can’t get out of bed for months at a time and why there are times when I believe I can do anything.
I’ve never felt stable and hated that about myself. Now it makes sense and I have stopped seeing myself as a weak, irresponsible person. I’ve been sick. That been my truth. And with this awareness, I know what I am dealing with and know that I can take steps to make all of this easier to live with.
And I’ve been able to let go of the very high expectations that I have always had for myself. I have accepted that I do have limitations and just need to learn to adjust my life to be the best that I can be in spite of the challenges.
This has not been an easy week, trying to sort out my life and shift how I see myself on top of dealing with the impact of the energy shifts. But acceptance has made all of this so much easier.
I’m so grateful for my friends who I’ve shared this info with who still love and accept me. And I am grateful to have the amazing connection I have with the Lady of the Sun who keeps assuring me, that I will be healed when the time is right. This has been so reassuring and a great comfort.
So, one more step out of the closet. And a reminder that people can have many gifts along with many challenges and still be able to do the work that we came here to do. And sometimes the greatest challenges are the greatest gifts.